The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Life is a suicide mission.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)