“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
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All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.