You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
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Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
did it work
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.