My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
You Might Also Like
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Florida man
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.