ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
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I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!