When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Those are good neighbors.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*