Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
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I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
yeah not falling for this one
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft