[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
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*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
You got this…
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.