18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.