there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please