I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
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Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
Saw your ex at the shops
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.