People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
You Might Also Like
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes