10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
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[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson