The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
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THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir