5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
men are simple creatures
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always