“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Sponch
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.