My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
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Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.