[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
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DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Why is this me 😫
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity