If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
welp
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?