Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
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ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
#MeanwhileInCanada
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
Oh the world we live in…
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
tis the season
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin