Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Wedding planning is organized crime.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”