become ungovernable
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
(by @ZachWeiner )
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.