Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
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*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My safe word is Worcestershire
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Yes, but it was never about money
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.