I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime