Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.