I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
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I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
so, is there a mister shapen head
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?