me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
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me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
i will not be silenced
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
what is cheese if not milk persevering
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*