A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
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I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.