[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!