This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here