WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
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“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too