HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
You Might Also Like
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?