I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.