Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
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Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
Ain’t no way
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*