My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
6. me as a lawyer
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”