If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
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the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.