My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I’m awake but I object,
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*