Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
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Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.