Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Attacked by a mop.
wut hotdog?
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people