I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
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Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
What a chick magnet..
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?