demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
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When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir