Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
When I can’t barge, I careen.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.