My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
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I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.