my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
I love the honesty
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot