[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
hmm conte-me mais
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.