*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
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Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
“TGIM!” – My liver
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
それは草
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream