[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
me adding lol on a serious message
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
COME ON KRUSE #fencing