I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
You Might Also Like
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water