“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
You Might Also Like
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
won’t smith
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go