Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Husband of the year 😂
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*